Alec's Memories
by SiriuslyFour'sGirl
Summary: Post-CoLS break-up, which broke my heart. Random song lyrics prompting memories of Alec's relationship with Magnus.


The Institute was quiet and Alec could hear the rain pattering against his window. He'd finally gotten Jace and Izzy to leave his room by promising not to wallow in self-pity, thinking about Magnus. He had lied, of course. Magnus was the only thing he thought about these days. He needed a demon attack, just so he could think about something else. But, unfortunately, all was quiet at the moment.

Alec stretched out on his bed, one hand behind his head, watching the rain leave tear-like trails down the window pane, and his mind drifted. Memories of Magnus flooded him, and for a moment, he almost forgot that he had a broken heart, that he was alone. For a moment, he was with Magnus, discovering new places, experiencing things he had never done before. Snippets of song lyrics entered his consciousness, unbidden.

(The Dance- Garth Brooks)

_Holding you I held everything._  
_For a moment wasn't I the king_  
_If I'd only known how the king would fall,_  
_Hey, who's to say - you know I might have changed it all_

They were at the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris. The sky was dark and the Parisian city lights were shining brightly. Alec had no idea how Magnus had arranged for them to be there, at this time of night, alone, but they were there none the less. Magnus handed him a glass of champagne, the bubbles tingling Alec's nose as he sipped it. Magnus pointed out some of the sites; the lighted Ferris Wheel, the glass pyramid structure at the Louvre lit up like a prism, the moonlight reflecting off the glass topped river boats on the Seine, the beautiful gardens and magnificent ancient buildings all aglow. Then Magnus kissed him, and everything else melted away.

(Nothing Else Matters- Metallica)

_I never opened myself this way  
Life is ours, we live it our way  
All these words I don't just say  
Nothing else matters_

They were in the hotel room in Paris. A bottle of wine lay discarded on the bedside table next to a pile of strawberry greens. Magnus kissed him deeply, passionately, and he felt himself stir. His nerves were on edge, but he trusted Magnus, and he wanted this. Magnus laid him down, gently, on the bed. How poetic that his first time would be in Paris, France, "The City of Love."

(It's Been Awhile- Staind)

_And it's been awhile since I've seen the way_  
_The candles light your face_  
_And it's been awhile but I can still remember_  
_Just the way you taste_

At a candlelit table overlooking the canals in Venice, Italy, Alec had first told Magnus that he was in love with him. He had been so nervous that it had taken a couple of attempts to actually spit the words out, even though he already knew how Magnus felt. He had never said those words before, and wasn't entirely confident in saying them then, but he wanted Magnus to know, so he somehow found the courage. Magnus had abandoned their dinner and spent the next few hours holding and kissing Alec, as if he would never let him go.

(Iris- Goo Goo Dolls)

_And I'd give up forever to touch you_  
_'Cause I know that you feel me somehow_  
_You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be_  
_And I don't want to go home right now_

Alec laid his head on Magnus's bare chest, listening to the sound of his heartbeat as it slowly returned to normal. His own body was still trembling and throbbing pleasantly and he thought he could really get used to this feeling. Suddenly, Magnus produced a key and laid it in Alec's palm. _You hold the key to my heart, Alexander, and now to my apartment as well, _Magnus whispered.

(One- U2)

_Did I ask too much_  
_More than a lot_  
_You gave me nothing_  
_Now it's all I got_  
_We're one_  
_But we're not the same_  
_We hurt each other_  
_Then we do it again_

Terrible jealousy raged through his veins. All he wanted was for Magnus to open up, break down the walls he'd spent hundreds of years building. But he deflected every question Alec had asked him. And now, he was sitting there talking to Camille Belcourt in an intimate way that only 2 people who truly knew each other could. He wondered if he would ever have that with Magnus.

(Need You Now- Lady Antebellum)

_Picture perfect memories,_  
_Scattered all around the floor, _  
_Reaching for the phone 'cause_

_I can't fight it any more._  
_And I wonder if I ever cross your mind._  
_For me it happens all the time_

Alec scrolled through the pictures of his trip around the world with Magnus. Magnus, in all his costumes based on local customs, looked so happy, nothing but love in his eyes. Perhaps, if they had just continued traveling, Alec could have ignored the fact that he wanted, no _needed_, more than just happy times from Magnus.

(What Hurts the Most- Rascal Flatts)

_What hurts the most was being so close_  
_And havin' so much to say_  
_And watchin' you walk away_

He'd never felt so utterly lost, hopeless, alone. The image of Magnus walking away from him in the tunnel played over and over again in his mind, like a broken record that he was unable to control. He longed to tell Magnus that he loved him, that he was so, so sorry, that he needed him to understand why he had done those things, and how desperately he needed to know Magnus, all of him. There was so much left unsaid, but Magnus wasn't returning his calls or replying to his texts.

(Demons- Imagine Dragons)

_Your eyes, they shine so bright_  
_I want to save their light_  
_I can't escape this now_  
_Unless you show me how_

Those green-gold eyes, with their slit pupils, the most unique feature of the man he loved, and _that_ was saying something. Magnus was beautiful and unique, inside and out. He'd never known anyone like him, there likely _wasn't_ anyone like him. All he'd ever wanted to was to love him, and know him like no one else did. How was he supposed to fix this, this beautiful thing he had broken so thoroughly?

(Here I am- Air Supply)

_Holding you, a feeling I never outgrew,  
Though each and every part of me has tried,  
Only you can fill that space inside,  
So there's no sense pretending, my heart is not mending_

Every night was the same. Magnus's lips pressing against his own. Magnus's arms wrapped tightly around him, making him feel secure and loved. Magnus's heartbeat, slow and steady, easing Alec's pain, calming him. And then, he'd wake up, alone and heartbroken, wanting nothing more than to return to his dream.

(After All That We've Been Through- Chicago)

_After all that we've been through,_  
_I will make it up to you,_  
_I promise to_  
_And after all that's been said and done,_  
_You're just the part of me I can't let go_

_Tell me how to fix this, Magnus. Please. I'll spend the rest of my life making it up to you, loving you_.


End file.
